Depression has reared its ugly head again. I can no longer count the number of major depressive episodes I have been in. It is hard. It is painful. It is lonely and it is exhausting. And it is a darkness that hides me where no one can see it seems. It is a thick heavy blanket that suffocates but doesn’t keep me warm.
My heart is so heavy, I wonder if I can even breathe enough to make my chest rise. Then comes the big sigh forcing oxygen into my lungs that seem to have stopped working. Is that You?? The anxiety that comes from feeling like i am literally dying, that gnawing ache inside alerting me to know something is wrong but offering no relief. My head hurts like I’ve been hit by stones. I sleep through the light of day and stay awake in the darkness of night. The nights are long and cold and empty and silent. Are You there God?
I contemplate things I know I shouldn’t. I can’t help it. The thoughts of dying are bombarding me at all times. I have to keep my head above water. But sometimes I gulp it and choke. And when I am choking I cry. My eyes blur and burn and sometimes I can’t even hold up my eyelids. Everything is so heavy and burdomesome.
And that is when I know I need my God; my Savior all over again. Not to save my soul. For my soul is safe. I have no doubts. But rather to bring me out of the pit of what feels like utter hell on earth. To break the grasp of the enemy who want’s me in this pain; who wants me to feel alone and abandoned; who tries to deceive me and push me further from You.
I fall to the ground and breakdown at Your feet. I cry out to You. Help me my Shepherd! I have wandered off and I am alone and scared! Bring me back to your safe arms. Help me feel cared for again. Yes good Shepherd please look upon me! Hold me as I am too weak to stand on my own from all the struggle. I need too feel you near. I feel so lost and alone right now. Sometimes I don’t have words. I just groan and cry. And I know that You hear me. Your spirit makes words out of my groaning and you understand my cries.
When will I see you again? I am cold and I thirst and hunger for you. I know You are stronger than all of this so why Lord? Why? But I know I dont need to know why. You yourself said your grace is sufficient and humbly accept that. I know you have suffered depression too. Everything I am feeling and will ever feel you have gone through before me. You have even died a horrible death feeling all alone, on purpose! For me! Who would do that except for You!
You have given me hope to fight one more day and one more day and one more day. Til one day I will see you with my salt worn eyes and they will turn to tears of joy. You are my strength and my comforter. I can’t do this without You but I dont have to do I? You are right beside me. I dont want to be disturbed inside so I will patiently wait for your timing. I will praise you and worship you, my Savior and my God. I will put my trust in You Jesus. I will wade through the miry clay until I am back on solid ground. One day I will be able to run to you unburdened by the weight of this world. And that will make all the difference.
Thank you for the wisdom You gave my doctors. And thank You for the ones who earnestly pray for me. Thank You for reminding me of how temporary this is. Even if I suffer my whole life on earth it will be more than worth it just because I know You. I know I can come to You anytime. I know You are always there and I know I will one day be free in Heaven where I can forever worship You in front of me with no more illness and depression.
My hope is in you my dear Lord. My sweet, precious, Savior. The enemy will not win! For I have faith in You and You alone and I know Your Grace and Mercy and Love are powerful. I love You Jesus even when I don”t understand. You are my only rest and I will wait for You no matter what comes my way. You first loved me. I know my illness is not from you. I will stay in your Word and You will keep your promises. That is the Truth. And I am more than willing to follow You all the days of my life. I will praise my Creator. I will honor what He has created. I will do no harm. I will seek wise counsel, I will pray, and I will patiently await You. Thank you for being MY God. You are AWESOME! This too shall pass but you will remain forever and ever. Amen.